Jokes, Quotes, Funny Photos and Other Random Stuff
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March / 30 / 2012
1) Identifying wasted time in the workplace
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
- 5316 Useless Meetings
- 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meetings
- 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meetings
- 5319 Waiting for Breaks
- 5320 Waiting for Lunch
- 5321 Waiting for End of Day
- 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-workers
- 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-worker While Co-worker is Not Present
- 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Co-worker Friend
- 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker, Who is Not Interested in Learning
- 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who is Stupid
- 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Co-worker Who Hates You
- 5481 Buying Snacks
- 5482 Eating Snacks
- 5500 Filling Out Time sheets
- 5501 Inventing Time sheet Entries
- 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
- 5503 Scratching Yourself
- 5504 Sleeping
- 5510 Feeling Bored
- 5511 Feeling Horny
- 5600 Complaining About you Lousy Job
- 5601 Complaining About Low Pay
- 5602 Complaining About Long Hours
- 5603 Complaining About Co-worker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
- 5604 Complaining About Boss
- 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
- 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
- 5701 Not Actually Present At Job
- 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
- 6102 Ordering Out
- 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
- 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
- 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
- 6201 Stealing Company Goods
- 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
- 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
- 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
- 6205 Hiding from Boss
- 6206 Gossip
- 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
- 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
- 6211 Updating Resume
- 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Head-hunter
- 6213 Out of Office on Job Interview
- 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
- 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
- 6223 Pretending You Like Co-worker
- 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
- 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasising
- 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
- 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
- 6602 Complaining
- 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
- 6611 Staring Into Space
- 6612 Staring At Computer Screen
- 6615 Transcendental Meditation
- 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
- 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
- 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
- 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
- 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
- 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
- 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
- 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
- 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professionals on Phone
- 7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
- 7931 Asking Co-worker to Aid You in an Illicit Activities
- 8000 Recreational Drug Use
- 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
- 8002 Liquid Lunch
- 8100 Reading e-mail
2) Useful work phrases
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
- I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
- Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- No, my powers can only be used for good.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
- You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication
- I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
- I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
- Who me? I just wander from room to room.
- My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
- At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject
March / 31 / 2012
My quote for the day: “If you want to know where your heart truly lies, follow where your mind wanders.”
April / 07 / 2012
I have been absent for a while from this Page here, and I apologise for that.
Allow me to wish you all a Happy Easter and attempt to explain my reason. Actually I have no valid reason, except that I have been preoccupied and pretty deep in thought as of late.
I think there comes a time in our lives when we re-evaluate our priorities and needs. Do we need to have a fancy stereo system in our vehicles? Do we need the extra stress at work. for the same salary? Do we need to ‘keep up with the neighbours’? Do we need the latest and greatest in technology? No, we don’t ‘need’ those things. Materialism has never been my forte, and never will be. These are some of the things I believe in my heart have true value in life:
- Sincerity – If we are not true to ourselves, we are not true to others. If we choose to open our hearts, and choose to be honest and sincere about our feelings, we have chosen the right path.
- Honesty – That should speak for itself, but often does not. As with sincerity, honesty to yourself and others is vital to our survival. Imagine if everyone you encountered every day lied to you or was dishonest?
- Compassion – Without this, how can we relate to other? We simply cannot.
- Humility – Without humility, we are filled with a false sense of pride. This is not true pride without being humble.
- Virtue – We need virtue to be able to discern between right and wrong. We also need to practise our virtue.
- Fidelity – What if everyone was unfaithful? What would that look like? We need to be faithful as friends, parents, children, and partners. If we say we are committed to something or someone, we need to have a sense of fidelity and what that means in general.
- Faith – We have to have faith in our beliefs, ourselves and in others. Humanity in general.
- Emotional Connection – Without the ability to connect with others on an emotional level, we cannot connect at all. Part of emotional connection is physical touch. How do you feel after a genuine hug? My bet is, you feel pretty darn good.
- Love – The most important asset we will ever have. It is not a given, but something earned. Earned by being who you are. Without love, what is there to look forward to each day? We are banal creatures, and need love to survive life in a healthy way, both emotionally and physically.
These are just a few, but are very important to our success as human beings.
No, this is not one of those haha, laugh until your cheeks are sore posts, but it is something I think is necessary to review once in a while. I will not go into detail here, but one of my upcoming Posts instead. Faith, Fidelity and Love. Another Pot I am working on currently deals with humanity .. then again, don’t most of my Posts?
So keep an eye out – another Post will be up before you know it! In the meantime, I will leave you a photo that tickles the fancy!